The Humanzee

By Richard Carl Mather

In the heat of a celluloid American night, Doctor Franklin Ahab — host to a crowd of forty souls — walks in a stately manner through the upper rooms of his Massachusetts mansion. He descends the wide staircase, smiling and reeling off witty one-liners. An orchestra plays The Rite of Spring in the enormous dining hall. For a few minutes Ahab casually mingles among his guests, then calls for the conductor to settle down. Hester, his life partner in a transparent dress, hands him a microphone before disappearing into a dark corner with two handsome trombone players and a sex-reluctant contrabassoonist.  

“Friends, enemies and, of course, Hester, my appalling wife and mother of our uncountable children. Thank you for coming to this little party. The reason I invite you into my home, into the bosom of my life, is to inform you I am retiring from the position I have held at the Institute of Psychoneurotic Synthesis for so many years. I have decided to grasp the nettle by the horns and fulfill my lifelong ambition. For those who are not familiar with my aspiration, then I will say it plainly:  

“My intention is to become a humanzee. A humanzee. That is to say, a cross between a chimpanzee and a human. Note the terminology: a humanzee, not a chimpman. I find the latter term trivializes the importance of my undertaking.  

“Yes, my wish is to be a hybrid being. This is not so unusual. Consider Ezekiel’s throne-bearing cherubim, better known to the Hebrews among us as the Four Living Creatures. Each of the cherubim, if you care to listen, have four faces — that of a man, a lion, an ox, and an eagle. And yet all of them possess human form. Consider too the cave paintings from the Late Stone Age or the iconography of Neolithic Europe and Ancient Egypt. Man-goats and owl-people abound. But the ancients did not have the requisite technology to undertake the much-desired transition to goat-hood or owl-hood. But here, now, at the start of the twenty-first century, science has finally caught up with the imagination.   

“For those of you who are interested in facts and not gossip, chimpanzees share ninety-eight per cent of the human genome. A mature chimpanzee is as intelligent and aware as a four-year-old child. I have chosen to incorporate aspects of the Bonobo, the most manlike of all the chimps. Indeed, the Bonobo is known to have sex in various positions with different partners. As such, I shall be on a par with my wife, who knows in her belly what it means to be promiscuous.  

“Tomorrow I shall put in writing which bits of my anatomy are to be replaced by Bonobo body parts. I am of the firm belief that it is best to retain my superior brain; but I will, however, opt for a full Bonobo face transplant. My limbs, I hope, will be pure chimp. This will allow me the exquisite pleasure of walking on my knuckles through the streets of Boston.  

“The operation will be overseen by Mahmoud Amadeusz, MD, a surgeon of indeterminate origin. As you might expect, I am a little nervous, but excitement is the overwhelming emotion. Of course, preparations and provisions have been made. My wife, as you have probably surmised, will not be joining me in my new venture but has been satisfied (satisfied!) by a $900,000 pay-off. I have adjusted my will in the event of any unforeseen consequences. My children will not be left destitute.  

“Some of you are perhaps thinking that I am simply trying to evade my financial responsibilities to this great nation. I assure you that is not the case. Should I become a drain on the state, my legal team is instructed to liquidate my assets and — having taken care of my children and my wife’s many lovers — hand over the remaining funds to local and federal authorities. 

“I can see from your faces that my state of mind is under question. Let me assure you that my colleagues at the Institute are in full agreement with my decision, and they see no reason why I should not immediately clear my desk. Indeed, they will (if necessary) attest to any court in the land that I am in the very best of mental and physical health and that the benefits of becoming a humanzee far outweigh the risks.  

“You ask, ‘What are the benefits?’ Well, what about the experience itself? Other than my wife, how many people wake up one day and realize they are not fully human? How does one adapt to this kind of defamiliarization? Furthermore, how many people get the chance to experience life through the eyes and ears of a humanzee? Imagine the media coverage! Imagine the visits from world leaders all hoping to spend a minute or two in the company of a real-life humanzee.  

“Already I have been approached by a French cinematographer who wishes to document my transformation in time for the next Cannes Film Festival. Moreover, I shall be the envy of the scientific establishment. I will demonstrate that a hypothesis can have legs. In short, I shall be a world event.  

“Yes, friends and enemies, I have thought long and hard about this unique undertaking. I remember as a child treasuring a book of photographs called Going Wild in the Congo given to me by my idiot grandfather. I was transfixed by the expressions of the humble chimpanzee. As I grew older, I continued to fantasize about becoming the first-ever man/chimp hybrid. I never stopped dreaming. I never stopped my Faustian inquiry into the secrets of nature. 

“For those of you think I am turning into a degenerate, let me remind you that it was man — not the chimpanzee — who fell from grace in the Garden.  It was man — and not the chimp — who took a bite from Eve’s fruit. I feel it is my duty to somehow reconcile disgraced mankind with the moral innocence of the chimp. I am the first to heal the rift, but I hope I won’t be the last. No doubt there is someone here who is contemplating the possibility of becoming the world’s second humanzee. To that individual, I say: You will not regret shedding your fallen humanity for something more authentically animalistic.  

“Please do not think of this as a crude experiment. This is my life’s work, my ambition. Destiny is mine and I completely accept the ramifications. If the operation is unsuccessful — if it leaves me in a state of coma or, worse, if it renders me a madman dependent on barbiturates and high-proof Polish vodka — I will not seek compensation. My legal team will accept the ultimate outcome whatever it may be. My children are prepared and wish me well. My eldest daughter was not surprised when I told her my news. In fact, she thought it inevitable and would have raised the subject anyhow. If my children can accept it, and if my wife can behave with such quiet dignity (dignity!), then so can you, my friends, my enemies.  

“So raise your glasses, and let us toast the future. I wish you all a long and fruitful life, whatever your species, whatever form of life you may be.”